i think the hardest thing for me to do right now is imagine that once upon a time, i liked having you around. now, your very presence irritates me. remember when i was still little, whenever you came through the door, i'd run to you and hug you, totally forgetting that Popeye or Tom and Jerry or Little Lulu was on? where'd that go? sometimes, you make me feel like it never even happened. you make it seem as though it's impossible that that actually happened. i hate it when you talk to us about responsibility and priorities and whatnots. i'm 15. yes, i've fucked up a lot of times, but i think any 15 year old would know what responsibility is. why do you always note my flaws? what about when i do something that actually turns out okay, great even? sometimes i hate that your barely home anymore. and then i realize that i only feel that way because im thinking of what it was like 10 years ago. and sometimes, i feel like i spend more time with that stray tabby than with you. and sometimes, just sometimes, i feel a sudden happiness when you come home. and it lasts for like, two seconds, before those words and that tone comes out. and i especially hate it when you remind me of your huge ego. it makes me feel like i mean nothing, like im not worth sacrificing your pride for. and i hate it when you tell me to stop being so sensitive. did you ever stop to think that maybe i'm only half as sensitive as you think, and you're just being a lot more insensitive than you know?

i hate that you make me feel so small and negligible.
i hate that you make me feel like im nothing but a screw-up.
i hate that you let your ego get the better of you.
i hate that when you do say sorry, you do it for the sake of doing it.
i hate that, just because you've been through a lot of hardships, you think it's made you wise and you know everything.
i hate it when you put her before us, even though you deny it.
i hate that there's a possibility you'll treat her like this when she grows up too.
i hate that, if that does happen, she'll have to feel this too.
i hate that you make it look like you couldn't give two chunks of shit about us.
i hate that you make it seem like you hate us.

and i hate that i cant seem to say i hate you and actually mean it.
not a hundred percent, at least.